One month in...

In exactly 4 days it will be one month since Ryan left for deployment.

I'm a hot ass mess.

Nothing is getting better.


I want him home.

Can't Sleep and Can't Deal

People are so complicated. Have you ever had a situation where you knew exactly what was on your mind, you articulated it perfectly, and the other party as to which you're communicating still doesn't get it? Frustration sets in at that point for me. Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm not the most patient person in the world. I don't have a lot of free energy for explaining things over and over again. It's like a teacher trying to explain a math problem to a student and the student just refuses to see the formula. All they look at is the answer... "No," the teacher says "it's not all about the answer... it's about the formula too... you have to use the right technique every time to get consistent answers".... that's how I'm feeling right now. I'm trying to point out the formula in the situation but the other individual is SO focused on the answer.

That's what happens in life though, isn't it? We're all so focused on the matter at hand and we let the details disappear into the distance. It's like an addict sitting at their first counseling session... stating the fact that they've hit this horrendous bottomless pit, but they cannot figure out how they got there... those hazy moments where things fell through the cracks and their life really started to spiral, they just can't see.

Maybe I push too hard. Maybe I expect too much. I'm horrible at just letting things be, because I see the potential in everything. I see the twisting point of recognition. That moment where someone living a certain way says.. "I get it. That's why I am this way. That's why I get these reactions from people" I see it in the distance, and for the life of me I can't help but push them to see it also. It's always a vain effort, though.

I struggle trying to make people see. Trying to make people understand that things are bigger than them. Things are bigger than the things in their life at the current moment. There is always something out there that is more... there is always something out there that is less... The key, I've found is recognizing all of it. Taking it all in, and trying to see the bigger picture in this world.

And Love. I'm not perfect in any single way, but I recognize what it takes to love. This is a lesson I've had to learn over and and over with myself: Say it. Just say it. Say what it is that is on your mind. Say what you feel.. mean what you say, and always take things to the heart. I hate it when people say "let it roll off your back". No thank you.

I've also learned to give the positive to people. It doesn't matter if I disagree with my sister for whatever reason... I choose to love her and acknowledge that love when I talk to her. Why waste time bitching? Why waste time letting someone know how crappy you have it and how mundane your existence is? Why not take that time and let them know how happy you are to have them in your life. How excited you are to be communicating with them? I use my sister as this example, because we are like night and day. Most of the time we're arguing and most of the time those arguments are completely ridiculous. Choose love people, please? Choose the path of happiness. It doesn't really matter what your situation is, or how hard life can be, at the end of the day YOU have to choose to be happy. You have to choose to be ok with yourself and the ones around you.

Tonight has been hard, because I've been battling my inner monologue on the random issues I've brought up in this post. I want to change things so badly. I want people to SEE. I want folks to open their eyes and look around at what is going on. Sometimes it's so hard to say what you need to say. It's so difficult to put it out there and wait for a response. It's so easy to get caught in the crossfire and lose your feelings to despair and fear.

I choose to love, because at the end of the day it's what I need to survive. I choose to speak, because after years of keeping silent, I've learned that it cleanses the soul. I choose to be happy each and everyday, because no matter how bad things get.. no matter how hurt I may feel.. there is still always something to smile about.

Always.

Why can't people see that?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


whew.... I needed that.

The pictures pretty much sum it all up!

*Disclaimer*

This is a blog. My blog. This blog is designed to be a "no red light" approach to my life and personal situations/life experiences/joy/heartbreak.etc. I'm putting everything out there based on the emotional release it gives me, and the emotional support it can offer others that read it going through similar situations.

It's that black and white.

Chances are, if you and I have had a squabble.. my emotion on the situation is here. Chances are, if you have made me smile.. my emotion on the situation is here. Chances are, if you cant handle reading any of those scenarios... I suggest you don't follow...

Blogging

Had a thought a few moments ago.. I wonder if putting it all out there on this blog is such a great idea. I think about how public it really is. I think about the consequences of having all of my feelings.. (the good, bad, and ugly) put out there for everyone to see. Is it worth it? Is this form of venting and releasing all my inner monologue energy necessary?

Then I remember: that's the point. The point of this entire thing is to put it out there. To put ME out there. I have other journals. More private ones. I've kept a journal for most of my life, and I have always kept them very guarded. The liberty of having others hear your words and see eye to eye with you on some level is exactly that: liberating.

I think that nowadays we're all a little too guarded. Technology and cosmetic outlets have given us the option to hide so many of our beautiful humanistic flaws. Whatever happened to the days of writing letters and waiting on phone calls? Before status updates and tweets we were able to put ourselves out there with a little bit more effort. If someone actually took the time to sit down and write you a handwritten letter on their monogrammed stationary, it was a sign of respect and dignity. The twitters, facebooks, and myspaces? It's exhausting, and it's all too easy. That's why I take the effort to send cards. I use the postal system in any way I can. It means so much more to get a post card, thank you card, or even a card of sympathy than getting some useless e-vite. While researching different ideas for "save-the-dates" for the wedding I stumbled across the newest fad: save-the-date emails. What the actual hell? I don't think so.

Gently taking myself off of the soapbox I guess I'll get to my point. For a few minutes I thought about going back and editing some of my posts to keep a few things private... Then I decided: No. I want to put in that extra effort... even if it makes me look like a total A-hole.

It's the little things...

Today I ended up having to have a root canal done. Not only that, but apparently my mouth is a playground for cavities.. so.. holla. This whole ordeal scared the shit out of me because I was NOT ready to pay 2,000 dollars to deal with some dental work. We have dental insurance, but it's still a hot mess. We have a 1,200 dollar cap and the total bill was 2,300. This means I was responsible for 1,100. When the billing manager explained this to me after my exam I almost had a heart attack. Another bill to add to the pile... then, a ray of light.

Every dentist I've called in the last week offers financing as long as you sell your soul to a 3rd party bank for a credit line with some 16%+ interest tagged on to your bill. Well, this particular dentist I went to was a corporate chain. "Western Dental" Turns out, they offer no interest financing and can split up your payments however you feel the most comfortable. This made me a little nervous because I am not a fan of WalMart medicine. I could imagine that this experience was gonna be a hot ass mess.

I was so wrong. The staff was amazing. The office was hospital clean and the equipment was all brand new. The doctor was amazing, and he was so understanding and patient. It was the most pleasent experience, and it literally made me cry. I've been under so much stress lately, that getting this pain resolved without having to stress out made me incredibly overwhelmed with emotion. I know it sounds crazy, but being without Ryan even for the past 3 days has turned my world all upside down. I'm pushing forward, like I always do, but feeling crappy because of this tooth, organizing this move, and having to clean the entire apartment for the walk through has sucked. Today, at Western Dental, they fixed me, and I have one more thing checked off the list.

It's a really good feeling.

Pulling away from the port

Tonight Ryan's ship pulled away from the port and he is out for another 8 months. I can't really fathom that amount of time without him. It's the hardest thing I've had to do thus far, and I know it's going to be extremely difficult dealing with life and not having him here with me.

I've been packing everything up the last few days and making sure that everything's ready for the move.

Right now, I'm just sad. I'm sad that he's gone, and I'm sad that I've got to push through the holidays without him. I'm really just a hot mess.

April 21

I'm missing him terribly... so terribly.. I get emails, and they're great, but they just aren't enough. I'm tired of having to deal with daily things without my husband.

I want him with me.

Day Two

Today started really well. Last night I got to speak to Ryan quite a few times because he had cell phone reception before they pulled out of the port. He got settled into the living space, and spent most of the night talking to me, and getting ready for his first day one tomorrow. He works form 7-7 daily, and somehow manages to have time to watch a movie and then fall asleep. I fell asleep last night after tossing and turning for a while. It was pretty hard to fall asleep, but thankfully I have been really blessed to have so many people that genuinely care about me. People have called, and messaged me on Facebook to keep me company. At around 6:45am I heard Ryan's ringtone, and it brightened my morning. Hearing his voice blessed me with a few more hours of the best rest I've had in a while. It's amazing how just his VOICE can calm me down and settle all the worries in my everyday life. He seemed to be in a better mood than he was last night, and that made me feel much better, because I am NOT ok with my husband being uncomfortable or inconvenienced. It erks me. I just want to be the best wife and friend I can to him. It's hard to give up that duty because of the forced space inbetween us. It's an impossible feeling. I heard from him again around 1pm, and he let me know that they were heading out to the open ocean and his phone was not going to be working from now on. So, this means he will wait on getting his cash card, and checking his email. Hopefully those come sooner than later. I am SO grateful for those few phone calls that I received in the last 24 hours. They helped me get over the first hurdle. Ryan, and his loving sweet words, helped me get through.

I can't help but think about the spouses 20-30 years ago and dealing with war and deployment. We have email now, and most deployed personnel get phone priveleges at least SOME of the time. Imagine having to depend solely on letters? Maybe one or two a YEAR! My father is a decorated Vietnam Veteran and he was engaged to my mother when he was in the war. She stayed loyal and faithful to him the entire time he was gone. Never faultering in her love and support. She only received a handful of letters within a year and half, but she made it work. The knowledge of this has helped me to see forward. I look past the horizon and look at the big picture. By August 2012 I will be an RN, and Ryan will have four more months in the military. We will be searching for a house, having a baby, and making things work in our new lives as two civilians. I look forward to those days.

I guess you could say I'm expecting the worse case scenario. I'm expecting not to talk to him for another 4 weeks. That way, when/if I do hear from him I will be suprised, relieved, and fortunate. I'm viewing it like that. Looking forward is the best plan I have..... it's the only one I can think of that keeps me close to sane.

On that note, I'm out for the night. I'm going to take a hot bath, make a vodka cranberry, and watch a movie with the puppy dog in my lap. Thinking of Ryan, smiling at his picture, and looking forward to the day he's home.

G'night.

Deployment Day One

I got back about an hour ago from taking Ryan to the airport for his first deployment. I am proud to say that I didn't cry in the terminal, but the second I walked out of the building and heard them starting the plane I was done for. The tears just kept coming and coming and I couldn't control the intense feeling of loss. I know it's not the end of the world, but my best friend is gone for a month. Communication will be minimal, and I haven't been away from him for more than a day since we were married. The hardest part was pulling into our driveway, and walking through the front door. The reality of the situaton just really set in. He's gone, I will push through daily life without him, and there is nothing I can do about it. It's terrifying and surreal and unfair. My heart aches for him when he's not here, and I will miss him so much.

I AM missing him so much.

Sea Bags Suck

So, it's official. Ryan is leaving for deployment on April 16th. We've spent the last few days getting him ready to go. Going shopping for baby size shampoos and arguing over how much underwear he ACTUALLY needs. It's been quite the experience. Tonight we were packing his sea bag and I litterally had to jump and down in it for all the shit to sink to the bottom.. it's so bulk and awkward. You would think the Navy would find a better form of duffle bag.. ehhhh...

I was thinking a lot today about the trip Ryan and I took to the Tacoa River for my 21st birthday. We spent two nights camping in the mountains, and it, to this day, is still one of the happiest memories of my life. I know that one day when I'm old, wrinkled, and unable to climb a mountain to get to a fresh running river, I will remember and smile. Because when I was a young woman a sweet natured boy took me to the wilderness and we truly fell in love. All the rocky times we have had between now and then seem completely irrelevent when I think about that trip. Somehow it makes everything so clear.

We're taking an overnight trip next week to San Francisco before Ryan leaves, and I'm stoked! We're staying at Hotel Nikko. It's this super Zen chic hotel right in the middle of Union Station. I went to Old Navy today to get a new bag for school, and I found two dresses and a bag for 22.oo! Hell yes. Just what I needed for a perfect mini vacation with the babehs.

It's been a great day.... well... cept for the fucking sea bag.

Other news

The last month of my life has been a whirlwind of emotion. Some up.. Some down.. some all the way around, but mostly a good swirl of emotion. My best friend Trent got engaged to his love Nelson. They are extremely happy, and hopefully they'll start planning a weddin real soon!

We had a fight today. It pisses me off that whenever we fight he makes such low blows. It's like he makes every effort he possibly can to make me feel as hurt as possible. Now, I get that he does this because I've hurt him and he's retaliating for whatever reason, but seriously? Things would never escalate as much as they do if he would just learn to control his obnoxious insults.

I feel horrible when things are like this. I want to back down and admit that everything is my fault and go back to the way things were... but it never really works out that way. I try to back down and there he is.. being a jerk again.

He was asleep in the living room and I took the dog for a walk. I was gone literally five minutes. The second I get back in the house I hear "Where have you been? You've been gone a long time". Are you SERIOUSLY accusing me of something? What the fuck is really going on. I snap and lose my cool. Obviously. I guess it just boils down to this: in the years we were dating he was consistently inconsistent. Always leaving, always accusing, never really taking a chance on us. I guess I never really healed from that. I had a pretty big self destructive phase when we weren't together, and I really just didn't get to heal from my heart being broken.

I love my husband, and I love my marriage. What the fuck do I need to do to get past this?

DWTS

So, last night I watched the premier of the new season of Dancing With the Stars with the hubby. What the hell are these people thinking? I mean seriously? I read somewhere that Pam Anderson is getting paid 35,000 dollars a week to do this show? I wish I could get paid 35,000 dollars a week to do the "drunken stripper cha-cha". What the hell. I think overall the show was a success because Buzz Aldrin didn't fall over and die. Kate Gosslin needs to go sit down. She was bitching about the dancing and not "getting" it. Look, if you're getting 35,000 dollars a week.. I'm gonna need you to shut the hell up and put a smile on your face. Bleh. Just Bleh.

It's not needing what you want. It's wanting what you got. Apparently Kate Gosslin has 35,000 dollars in her pocket, and the bitch STILL isn't happy. First, she hates the fact that she doesn't have kids... BOOM she has 8! Then she hates her husband... BOOM Divorce! Then she's broke ... BOOM Dancing With the Stars! Now, she doesn't "get" it and she doesn't "want to be there"....... some people... SOME people.

There is a Mexican restaurant near our apartment that sells the most yummy pastries in the world. It's amazing how good they are. They are SUPERSIZED too. Ryan is in love with their burritos and I'm now addicted to their pastries. I'm pretty sure our patronage pays there rent. hahaha

Today has been awesome so far. I had lunch with Ryan and I just am continuously amazed by that man. He's such a sweet soul, and I am so lucky to have him. He's got a watch until midnight tonight and I'm not too happy about that. Seriously? They expect him to be at work by 6, then stand a watch from 3:30pm to 12:00am. That's just a little too intense.

I talked to Ashley (best friend) on my way home from lunch and it makes me soo excited to hear that she and June are trying to get a new apartment and that 'said' apartment is right across the street from my mom's house! YAY! When I move back in September during Ryan's deployment that is going to be amazing. I can't imagine how hard it's going to be without him, but I am pretty excited that I've got so many things to look forward to. We're going to be saving so much money by me moving home, and I'm going to be busy planning the wedding and our honeymoon.

I have a doctors appointment next Wednesday to review my bloodwork. It's been a few years since I have had a thorough exam for my remissed thyroid cancer, and I'm a bit nervous. I feel fine, and everything has been good for the past few years, but I never really get that dropped feeling in my stomach. You never know when the bottom is going to fall through when dealing with cancer. I'm going to stay positive. That's all I can do.

Being a student and a military spouse I figured it would be a good idea to post some really helpful sites for spouses interested in getting some funding for their education. I have found all of these websites to be extremely helpful to me. I hope they work out for you guys as well!

Cheers!

www.militaryonesource.com -This website offers a list of scholarships and grants for military spouses. They also have a program called MyCaa. It gives a one time 6,000 dollars in tuition assistant just for being a military spouse!

www.milspouse.org - This is a non profit organization that helps you get organized in your quest to further you education.

If anyone else knows of any helpful sites or organizations please don't hesitate to comment back with suggestions. :-)

Today has been a day of reflection. As an adult I feel like I'm supposed to be gaining answers regarding life. I feel like the older I get the more I do NOT have it figured out. It's like I'm hopping from one lily pad to another. Lily pads labeled with "college" "dating" "death" "birth". Jumping from one to another is becoming exhausting. I'm starting to think that the task never ends. Eventually, it just becomes tolerable. I guess it's true what they say: "It's not the goal being reached, but the way you reach it" that really matters.

This is my first post, and finding what to say should be pretty easy. My husband Ryan and I are currently stationed in California, and he's just completed his first year in the Navy. As fiercely independent as I am, adjusting to being a military spouse has been quite a journey so far. For the first time in my life I'm stumped by something. The military is a force that can't be reckoned with, and I've had to learn to adapt to much more than new places and new people. It's hard for me to let it come first in all aspects of my life. Working through the first permanent duty station move, I have finally come to the most complicated road block so far: Deployment. He's leaving April 18th, and I'm terrified. My best friend is going to be absent for 5 weeks, and I'm not sure what to think. It's not very long, but it's intense enough. For me, it's focusing on family, school, and him walking back into our apartment, that will keep me moving forward. I hope it will be enough. I hope I don't lose my mind. I'm so close most days as it is. *le sigh*

As for everyday life right now. It's good. Other than my insecurities and jitters we are as strong as ever. So here I am, taking on the insane task of documenting the good, bad, and the ugly in this blog. No holding back. I will push through it everyday, and hopefully in the process gain a Zen-like knowledge of the world of Navy Spouse-dom!