We had a fight today. It pisses me off that whenever we fight he makes such low blows. It's like he makes every effort he possibly can to make me feel as hurt as possible. Now, I get that he does this because I've hurt him and he's retaliating for whatever reason, but seriously? Things would never escalate as much as they do if he would just learn to control his obnoxious insults.

I feel horrible when things are like this. I want to back down and admit that everything is my fault and go back to the way things were... but it never really works out that way. I try to back down and there he is.. being a jerk again.

He was asleep in the living room and I took the dog for a walk. I was gone literally five minutes. The second I get back in the house I hear "Where have you been? You've been gone a long time". Are you SERIOUSLY accusing me of something? What the fuck is really going on. I snap and lose my cool. Obviously. I guess it just boils down to this: in the years we were dating he was consistently inconsistent. Always leaving, always accusing, never really taking a chance on us. I guess I never really healed from that. I had a pretty big self destructive phase when we weren't together, and I really just didn't get to heal from my heart being broken.

I love my husband, and I love my marriage. What the fuck do I need to do to get past this?

DWTS

So, last night I watched the premier of the new season of Dancing With the Stars with the hubby. What the hell are these people thinking? I mean seriously? I read somewhere that Pam Anderson is getting paid 35,000 dollars a week to do this show? I wish I could get paid 35,000 dollars a week to do the "drunken stripper cha-cha". What the hell. I think overall the show was a success because Buzz Aldrin didn't fall over and die. Kate Gosslin needs to go sit down. She was bitching about the dancing and not "getting" it. Look, if you're getting 35,000 dollars a week.. I'm gonna need you to shut the hell up and put a smile on your face. Bleh. Just Bleh.

It's not needing what you want. It's wanting what you got. Apparently Kate Gosslin has 35,000 dollars in her pocket, and the bitch STILL isn't happy. First, she hates the fact that she doesn't have kids... BOOM she has 8! Then she hates her husband... BOOM Divorce! Then she's broke ... BOOM Dancing With the Stars! Now, she doesn't "get" it and she doesn't "want to be there"....... some people... SOME people.

There is a Mexican restaurant near our apartment that sells the most yummy pastries in the world. It's amazing how good they are. They are SUPERSIZED too. Ryan is in love with their burritos and I'm now addicted to their pastries. I'm pretty sure our patronage pays there rent. hahaha

Today has been awesome so far. I had lunch with Ryan and I just am continuously amazed by that man. He's such a sweet soul, and I am so lucky to have him. He's got a watch until midnight tonight and I'm not too happy about that. Seriously? They expect him to be at work by 6, then stand a watch from 3:30pm to 12:00am. That's just a little too intense.

I talked to Ashley (best friend) on my way home from lunch and it makes me soo excited to hear that she and June are trying to get a new apartment and that 'said' apartment is right across the street from my mom's house! YAY! When I move back in September during Ryan's deployment that is going to be amazing. I can't imagine how hard it's going to be without him, but I am pretty excited that I've got so many things to look forward to. We're going to be saving so much money by me moving home, and I'm going to be busy planning the wedding and our honeymoon.

I have a doctors appointment next Wednesday to review my bloodwork. It's been a few years since I have had a thorough exam for my remissed thyroid cancer, and I'm a bit nervous. I feel fine, and everything has been good for the past few years, but I never really get that dropped feeling in my stomach. You never know when the bottom is going to fall through when dealing with cancer. I'm going to stay positive. That's all I can do.

Being a student and a military spouse I figured it would be a good idea to post some really helpful sites for spouses interested in getting some funding for their education. I have found all of these websites to be extremely helpful to me. I hope they work out for you guys as well!

Cheers!

www.militaryonesource.com -This website offers a list of scholarships and grants for military spouses. They also have a program called MyCaa. It gives a one time 6,000 dollars in tuition assistant just for being a military spouse!

www.milspouse.org - This is a non profit organization that helps you get organized in your quest to further you education.

If anyone else knows of any helpful sites or organizations please don't hesitate to comment back with suggestions. :-)

Today has been a day of reflection. As an adult I feel like I'm supposed to be gaining answers regarding life. I feel like the older I get the more I do NOT have it figured out. It's like I'm hopping from one lily pad to another. Lily pads labeled with "college" "dating" "death" "birth". Jumping from one to another is becoming exhausting. I'm starting to think that the task never ends. Eventually, it just becomes tolerable. I guess it's true what they say: "It's not the goal being reached, but the way you reach it" that really matters.

This is my first post, and finding what to say should be pretty easy. My husband Ryan and I are currently stationed in California, and he's just completed his first year in the Navy. As fiercely independent as I am, adjusting to being a military spouse has been quite a journey so far. For the first time in my life I'm stumped by something. The military is a force that can't be reckoned with, and I've had to learn to adapt to much more than new places and new people. It's hard for me to let it come first in all aspects of my life. Working through the first permanent duty station move, I have finally come to the most complicated road block so far: Deployment. He's leaving April 18th, and I'm terrified. My best friend is going to be absent for 5 weeks, and I'm not sure what to think. It's not very long, but it's intense enough. For me, it's focusing on family, school, and him walking back into our apartment, that will keep me moving forward. I hope it will be enough. I hope I don't lose my mind. I'm so close most days as it is. *le sigh*

As for everyday life right now. It's good. Other than my insecurities and jitters we are as strong as ever. So here I am, taking on the insane task of documenting the good, bad, and the ugly in this blog. No holding back. I will push through it everyday, and hopefully in the process gain a Zen-like knowledge of the world of Navy Spouse-dom!