Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Can't Sleep and Can't Deal
People are so complicated. Have you ever had a situation where you knew exactly what was on your mind, you articulated it perfectly, and the other party as to which you're communicating still doesn't get it? Frustration sets in at that point for me. Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm not the most patient person in the world. I don't have a lot of free energy for explaining things over and over again. It's like a teacher trying to explain a math problem to a student and the student just refuses to see the formula. All they look at is the answer... "No," the teacher says "it's not all about the answer... it's about the formula too... you have to use the right technique every time to get consistent answers".... that's how I'm feeling right now. I'm trying to point out the formula in the situation but the other individual is SO focused on the answer.
That's what happens in life though, isn't it? We're all so focused on the matter at hand and we let the details disappear into the distance. It's like an addict sitting at their first counseling session... stating the fact that they've hit this horrendous bottomless pit, but they cannot figure out how they got there... those hazy moments where things fell through the cracks and their life really started to spiral, they just can't see.
Maybe I push too hard. Maybe I expect too much. I'm horrible at just letting things be, because I see the potential in everything. I see the twisting point of recognition. That moment where someone living a certain way says.. "I get it. That's why I am this way. That's why I get these reactions from people" I see it in the distance, and for the life of me I can't help but push them to see it also. It's always a vain effort, though.
I struggle trying to make people see. Trying to make people understand that things are bigger than them. Things are bigger than the things in their life at the current moment. There is always something out there that is more... there is always something out there that is less... The key, I've found is recognizing all of it. Taking it all in, and trying to see the bigger picture in this world.
And Love. I'm not perfect in any single way, but I recognize what it takes to love. This is a lesson I've had to learn over and and over with myself: Say it. Just say it. Say what it is that is on your mind. Say what you feel.. mean what you say, and always take things to the heart. I hate it when people say "let it roll off your back". No thank you.
I've also learned to give the positive to people. It doesn't matter if I disagree with my sister for whatever reason... I choose to love her and acknowledge that love when I talk to her. Why waste time bitching? Why waste time letting someone know how crappy you have it and how mundane your existence is? Why not take that time and let them know how happy you are to have them in your life. How excited you are to be communicating with them? I use my sister as this example, because we are like night and day. Most of the time we're arguing and most of the time those arguments are completely ridiculous. Choose love people, please? Choose the path of happiness. It doesn't really matter what your situation is, or how hard life can be, at the end of the day YOU have to choose to be happy. You have to choose to be ok with yourself and the ones around you.
Tonight has been hard, because I've been battling my inner monologue on the random issues I've brought up in this post. I want to change things so badly. I want people to SEE. I want folks to open their eyes and look around at what is going on. Sometimes it's so hard to say what you need to say. It's so difficult to put it out there and wait for a response. It's so easy to get caught in the crossfire and lose your feelings to despair and fear.
I choose to love, because at the end of the day it's what I need to survive. I choose to speak, because after years of keeping silent, I've learned that it cleanses the soul. I choose to be happy each and everyday, because no matter how bad things get.. no matter how hurt I may feel.. there is still always something to smile about.
Always.
Why can't people see that?
That's what happens in life though, isn't it? We're all so focused on the matter at hand and we let the details disappear into the distance. It's like an addict sitting at their first counseling session... stating the fact that they've hit this horrendous bottomless pit, but they cannot figure out how they got there... those hazy moments where things fell through the cracks and their life really started to spiral, they just can't see.
Maybe I push too hard. Maybe I expect too much. I'm horrible at just letting things be, because I see the potential in everything. I see the twisting point of recognition. That moment where someone living a certain way says.. "I get it. That's why I am this way. That's why I get these reactions from people" I see it in the distance, and for the life of me I can't help but push them to see it also. It's always a vain effort, though.
I struggle trying to make people see. Trying to make people understand that things are bigger than them. Things are bigger than the things in their life at the current moment. There is always something out there that is more... there is always something out there that is less... The key, I've found is recognizing all of it. Taking it all in, and trying to see the bigger picture in this world.
And Love. I'm not perfect in any single way, but I recognize what it takes to love. This is a lesson I've had to learn over and and over with myself: Say it. Just say it. Say what it is that is on your mind. Say what you feel.. mean what you say, and always take things to the heart. I hate it when people say "let it roll off your back". No thank you.
I've also learned to give the positive to people. It doesn't matter if I disagree with my sister for whatever reason... I choose to love her and acknowledge that love when I talk to her. Why waste time bitching? Why waste time letting someone know how crappy you have it and how mundane your existence is? Why not take that time and let them know how happy you are to have them in your life. How excited you are to be communicating with them? I use my sister as this example, because we are like night and day. Most of the time we're arguing and most of the time those arguments are completely ridiculous. Choose love people, please? Choose the path of happiness. It doesn't really matter what your situation is, or how hard life can be, at the end of the day YOU have to choose to be happy. You have to choose to be ok with yourself and the ones around you.
Tonight has been hard, because I've been battling my inner monologue on the random issues I've brought up in this post. I want to change things so badly. I want people to SEE. I want folks to open their eyes and look around at what is going on. Sometimes it's so hard to say what you need to say. It's so difficult to put it out there and wait for a response. It's so easy to get caught in the crossfire and lose your feelings to despair and fear.
I choose to love, because at the end of the day it's what I need to survive. I choose to speak, because after years of keeping silent, I've learned that it cleanses the soul. I choose to be happy each and everyday, because no matter how bad things get.. no matter how hurt I may feel.. there is still always something to smile about.
Always.
Why can't people see that?
Monday, July 26, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
*Disclaimer*
This is a blog. My blog. This blog is designed to be a "no red light" approach to my life and personal situations/life experiences/joy/heartbreak.etc. I'm putting everything out there based on the emotional release it gives me, and the emotional support it can offer others that read it going through similar situations.
It's that black and white.
Chances are, if you and I have had a squabble.. my emotion on the situation is here. Chances are, if you have made me smile.. my emotion on the situation is here. Chances are, if you cant handle reading any of those scenarios... I suggest you don't follow...
It's that black and white.
Chances are, if you and I have had a squabble.. my emotion on the situation is here. Chances are, if you have made me smile.. my emotion on the situation is here. Chances are, if you cant handle reading any of those scenarios... I suggest you don't follow...
Blogging
Had a thought a few moments ago.. I wonder if putting it all out there on this blog is such a great idea. I think about how public it really is. I think about the consequences of having all of my feelings.. (the good, bad, and ugly) put out there for everyone to see. Is it worth it? Is this form of venting and releasing all my inner monologue energy necessary?
Then I remember: that's the point. The point of this entire thing is to put it out there. To put ME out there. I have other journals. More private ones. I've kept a journal for most of my life, and I have always kept them very guarded. The liberty of having others hear your words and see eye to eye with you on some level is exactly that: liberating.
I think that nowadays we're all a little too guarded. Technology and cosmetic outlets have given us the option to hide so many of our beautiful humanistic flaws. Whatever happened to the days of writing letters and waiting on phone calls? Before status updates and tweets we were able to put ourselves out there with a little bit more effort. If someone actually took the time to sit down and write you a handwritten letter on their monogrammed stationary, it was a sign of respect and dignity. The twitters, facebooks, and myspaces? It's exhausting, and it's all too easy. That's why I take the effort to send cards. I use the postal system in any way I can. It means so much more to get a post card, thank you card, or even a card of sympathy than getting some useless e-vite. While researching different ideas for "save-the-dates" for the wedding I stumbled across the newest fad: save-the-date emails. What the actual hell? I don't think so.
Gently taking myself off of the soapbox I guess I'll get to my point. For a few minutes I thought about going back and editing some of my posts to keep a few things private... Then I decided: No. I want to put in that extra effort... even if it makes me look like a total A-hole.
Then I remember: that's the point. The point of this entire thing is to put it out there. To put ME out there. I have other journals. More private ones. I've kept a journal for most of my life, and I have always kept them very guarded. The liberty of having others hear your words and see eye to eye with you on some level is exactly that: liberating.
I think that nowadays we're all a little too guarded. Technology and cosmetic outlets have given us the option to hide so many of our beautiful humanistic flaws. Whatever happened to the days of writing letters and waiting on phone calls? Before status updates and tweets we were able to put ourselves out there with a little bit more effort. If someone actually took the time to sit down and write you a handwritten letter on their monogrammed stationary, it was a sign of respect and dignity. The twitters, facebooks, and myspaces? It's exhausting, and it's all too easy. That's why I take the effort to send cards. I use the postal system in any way I can. It means so much more to get a post card, thank you card, or even a card of sympathy than getting some useless e-vite. While researching different ideas for "save-the-dates" for the wedding I stumbled across the newest fad: save-the-date emails. What the actual hell? I don't think so.
Gently taking myself off of the soapbox I guess I'll get to my point. For a few minutes I thought about going back and editing some of my posts to keep a few things private... Then I decided: No. I want to put in that extra effort... even if it makes me look like a total A-hole.
It's the little things...
Today I ended up having to have a root canal done. Not only that, but apparently my mouth is a playground for cavities.. so.. holla. This whole ordeal scared the shit out of me because I was NOT ready to pay 2,000 dollars to deal with some dental work. We have dental insurance, but it's still a hot mess. We have a 1,200 dollar cap and the total bill was 2,300. This means I was responsible for 1,100. When the billing manager explained this to me after my exam I almost had a heart attack. Another bill to add to the pile... then, a ray of light.
Every dentist I've called in the last week offers financing as long as you sell your soul to a 3rd party bank for a credit line with some 16%+ interest tagged on to your bill. Well, this particular dentist I went to was a corporate chain. "Western Dental" Turns out, they offer no interest financing and can split up your payments however you feel the most comfortable. This made me a little nervous because I am not a fan of WalMart medicine. I could imagine that this experience was gonna be a hot ass mess.
I was so wrong. The staff was amazing. The office was hospital clean and the equipment was all brand new. The doctor was amazing, and he was so understanding and patient. It was the most pleasent experience, and it literally made me cry. I've been under so much stress lately, that getting this pain resolved without having to stress out made me incredibly overwhelmed with emotion. I know it sounds crazy, but being without Ryan even for the past 3 days has turned my world all upside down. I'm pushing forward, like I always do, but feeling crappy because of this tooth, organizing this move, and having to clean the entire apartment for the walk through has sucked. Today, at Western Dental, they fixed me, and I have one more thing checked off the list.
It's a really good feeling.
Every dentist I've called in the last week offers financing as long as you sell your soul to a 3rd party bank for a credit line with some 16%+ interest tagged on to your bill. Well, this particular dentist I went to was a corporate chain. "Western Dental" Turns out, they offer no interest financing and can split up your payments however you feel the most comfortable. This made me a little nervous because I am not a fan of WalMart medicine. I could imagine that this experience was gonna be a hot ass mess.
I was so wrong. The staff was amazing. The office was hospital clean and the equipment was all brand new. The doctor was amazing, and he was so understanding and patient. It was the most pleasent experience, and it literally made me cry. I've been under so much stress lately, that getting this pain resolved without having to stress out made me incredibly overwhelmed with emotion. I know it sounds crazy, but being without Ryan even for the past 3 days has turned my world all upside down. I'm pushing forward, like I always do, but feeling crappy because of this tooth, organizing this move, and having to clean the entire apartment for the walk through has sucked. Today, at Western Dental, they fixed me, and I have one more thing checked off the list.
It's a really good feeling.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Pulling away from the port
Tonight Ryan's ship pulled away from the port and he is out for another 8 months. I can't really fathom that amount of time without him. It's the hardest thing I've had to do thus far, and I know it's going to be extremely difficult dealing with life and not having him here with me.
I've been packing everything up the last few days and making sure that everything's ready for the move.
Right now, I'm just sad. I'm sad that he's gone, and I'm sad that I've got to push through the holidays without him. I'm really just a hot mess.
I've been packing everything up the last few days and making sure that everything's ready for the move.
Right now, I'm just sad. I'm sad that he's gone, and I'm sad that I've got to push through the holidays without him. I'm really just a hot mess.
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