April 21

I'm missing him terribly... so terribly.. I get emails, and they're great, but they just aren't enough. I'm tired of having to deal with daily things without my husband.

I want him with me.

Day Two

Today started really well. Last night I got to speak to Ryan quite a few times because he had cell phone reception before they pulled out of the port. He got settled into the living space, and spent most of the night talking to me, and getting ready for his first day one tomorrow. He works form 7-7 daily, and somehow manages to have time to watch a movie and then fall asleep. I fell asleep last night after tossing and turning for a while. It was pretty hard to fall asleep, but thankfully I have been really blessed to have so many people that genuinely care about me. People have called, and messaged me on Facebook to keep me company. At around 6:45am I heard Ryan's ringtone, and it brightened my morning. Hearing his voice blessed me with a few more hours of the best rest I've had in a while. It's amazing how just his VOICE can calm me down and settle all the worries in my everyday life. He seemed to be in a better mood than he was last night, and that made me feel much better, because I am NOT ok with my husband being uncomfortable or inconvenienced. It erks me. I just want to be the best wife and friend I can to him. It's hard to give up that duty because of the forced space inbetween us. It's an impossible feeling. I heard from him again around 1pm, and he let me know that they were heading out to the open ocean and his phone was not going to be working from now on. So, this means he will wait on getting his cash card, and checking his email. Hopefully those come sooner than later. I am SO grateful for those few phone calls that I received in the last 24 hours. They helped me get over the first hurdle. Ryan, and his loving sweet words, helped me get through.

I can't help but think about the spouses 20-30 years ago and dealing with war and deployment. We have email now, and most deployed personnel get phone priveleges at least SOME of the time. Imagine having to depend solely on letters? Maybe one or two a YEAR! My father is a decorated Vietnam Veteran and he was engaged to my mother when he was in the war. She stayed loyal and faithful to him the entire time he was gone. Never faultering in her love and support. She only received a handful of letters within a year and half, but she made it work. The knowledge of this has helped me to see forward. I look past the horizon and look at the big picture. By August 2012 I will be an RN, and Ryan will have four more months in the military. We will be searching for a house, having a baby, and making things work in our new lives as two civilians. I look forward to those days.

I guess you could say I'm expecting the worse case scenario. I'm expecting not to talk to him for another 4 weeks. That way, when/if I do hear from him I will be suprised, relieved, and fortunate. I'm viewing it like that. Looking forward is the best plan I have..... it's the only one I can think of that keeps me close to sane.

On that note, I'm out for the night. I'm going to take a hot bath, make a vodka cranberry, and watch a movie with the puppy dog in my lap. Thinking of Ryan, smiling at his picture, and looking forward to the day he's home.

G'night.

Deployment Day One

I got back about an hour ago from taking Ryan to the airport for his first deployment. I am proud to say that I didn't cry in the terminal, but the second I walked out of the building and heard them starting the plane I was done for. The tears just kept coming and coming and I couldn't control the intense feeling of loss. I know it's not the end of the world, but my best friend is gone for a month. Communication will be minimal, and I haven't been away from him for more than a day since we were married. The hardest part was pulling into our driveway, and walking through the front door. The reality of the situaton just really set in. He's gone, I will push through daily life without him, and there is nothing I can do about it. It's terrifying and surreal and unfair. My heart aches for him when he's not here, and I will miss him so much.

I AM missing him so much.

Sea Bags Suck

So, it's official. Ryan is leaving for deployment on April 16th. We've spent the last few days getting him ready to go. Going shopping for baby size shampoos and arguing over how much underwear he ACTUALLY needs. It's been quite the experience. Tonight we were packing his sea bag and I litterally had to jump and down in it for all the shit to sink to the bottom.. it's so bulk and awkward. You would think the Navy would find a better form of duffle bag.. ehhhh...

I was thinking a lot today about the trip Ryan and I took to the Tacoa River for my 21st birthday. We spent two nights camping in the mountains, and it, to this day, is still one of the happiest memories of my life. I know that one day when I'm old, wrinkled, and unable to climb a mountain to get to a fresh running river, I will remember and smile. Because when I was a young woman a sweet natured boy took me to the wilderness and we truly fell in love. All the rocky times we have had between now and then seem completely irrelevent when I think about that trip. Somehow it makes everything so clear.

We're taking an overnight trip next week to San Francisco before Ryan leaves, and I'm stoked! We're staying at Hotel Nikko. It's this super Zen chic hotel right in the middle of Union Station. I went to Old Navy today to get a new bag for school, and I found two dresses and a bag for 22.oo! Hell yes. Just what I needed for a perfect mini vacation with the babehs.

It's been a great day.... well... cept for the fucking sea bag.

Other news

The last month of my life has been a whirlwind of emotion. Some up.. Some down.. some all the way around, but mostly a good swirl of emotion. My best friend Trent got engaged to his love Nelson. They are extremely happy, and hopefully they'll start planning a weddin real soon!