Can't Sleep and Can't Deal

People are so complicated. Have you ever had a situation where you knew exactly what was on your mind, you articulated it perfectly, and the other party as to which you're communicating still doesn't get it? Frustration sets in at that point for me. Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm not the most patient person in the world. I don't have a lot of free energy for explaining things over and over again. It's like a teacher trying to explain a math problem to a student and the student just refuses to see the formula. All they look at is the answer... "No," the teacher says "it's not all about the answer... it's about the formula too... you have to use the right technique every time to get consistent answers".... that's how I'm feeling right now. I'm trying to point out the formula in the situation but the other individual is SO focused on the answer.

That's what happens in life though, isn't it? We're all so focused on the matter at hand and we let the details disappear into the distance. It's like an addict sitting at their first counseling session... stating the fact that they've hit this horrendous bottomless pit, but they cannot figure out how they got there... those hazy moments where things fell through the cracks and their life really started to spiral, they just can't see.

Maybe I push too hard. Maybe I expect too much. I'm horrible at just letting things be, because I see the potential in everything. I see the twisting point of recognition. That moment where someone living a certain way says.. "I get it. That's why I am this way. That's why I get these reactions from people" I see it in the distance, and for the life of me I can't help but push them to see it also. It's always a vain effort, though.

I struggle trying to make people see. Trying to make people understand that things are bigger than them. Things are bigger than the things in their life at the current moment. There is always something out there that is more... there is always something out there that is less... The key, I've found is recognizing all of it. Taking it all in, and trying to see the bigger picture in this world.

And Love. I'm not perfect in any single way, but I recognize what it takes to love. This is a lesson I've had to learn over and and over with myself: Say it. Just say it. Say what it is that is on your mind. Say what you feel.. mean what you say, and always take things to the heart. I hate it when people say "let it roll off your back". No thank you.

I've also learned to give the positive to people. It doesn't matter if I disagree with my sister for whatever reason... I choose to love her and acknowledge that love when I talk to her. Why waste time bitching? Why waste time letting someone know how crappy you have it and how mundane your existence is? Why not take that time and let them know how happy you are to have them in your life. How excited you are to be communicating with them? I use my sister as this example, because we are like night and day. Most of the time we're arguing and most of the time those arguments are completely ridiculous. Choose love people, please? Choose the path of happiness. It doesn't really matter what your situation is, or how hard life can be, at the end of the day YOU have to choose to be happy. You have to choose to be ok with yourself and the ones around you.

Tonight has been hard, because I've been battling my inner monologue on the random issues I've brought up in this post. I want to change things so badly. I want people to SEE. I want folks to open their eyes and look around at what is going on. Sometimes it's so hard to say what you need to say. It's so difficult to put it out there and wait for a response. It's so easy to get caught in the crossfire and lose your feelings to despair and fear.

I choose to love, because at the end of the day it's what I need to survive. I choose to speak, because after years of keeping silent, I've learned that it cleanses the soul. I choose to be happy each and everyday, because no matter how bad things get.. no matter how hurt I may feel.. there is still always something to smile about.

Always.

Why can't people see that?